“It was about 1995 that I first heard of Phyllis Tuckwell,” said Brian. “They cared for a friend of mine, a neighbour. I was younger then and I hadn't known anybody with end of life care needs before. I popped in to see him a couple of times in the Hospice. He was in a communal ward. It was apparent that their care wasn’t just for the patient; it was for the family as well. He and his wife couldn't fault it. They were so pleased he was being cared for there.”
A few years later, in 2001, Brian’s dad Peter was referred to our care. He was visited at home by our Hospice at Home team and spent some time on our In-Patient Unit (IPU), where we provide 24-hour care.
Caption: Peter with Brian's daughter Tarryn.
"The first time the word ‘hospice’ was mentioned to Dad, he said: ‘no, I’m not going in there, that's where you go to die’. But as soon as he was admitted, he thought how brilliant it was. He loved the baths! There's no way Mum could have lifted him up to bath him at home. They used to have a drinks trolley they would bring round with tea and coffee, and he thought that was great. He loved the attention. They made a fuss of us, too, when we went in. The staff were always smiling; they were amazing. Dad was really untidy in bed; they used to call it his ‘nest’. When they’d made it for him, they used to say, ‘go on then Peter, we've cleaned your bed up, now turn it into your nest again’. It was really funny. They had a great relationship with him, a real rapport.”
After a short stay on our IPU, Peter returned home and was again visited by our Hospice at Home team. The team provides medical, nursing, therapeutic, emotional and pastoral care to patients and their loved ones, and can supply them with equipment to make them more comfortable at home. Their care enables patients to spend their last days at home, and to die there, if that is where they wish to be.
“When you’re in that situation, you can feel as though you're the only people that have ever experienced it; that no-one else could possibly understand what you're going through,” said Brian. “That's how Mum felt. So having Phyllis Tuckwell visit them at home to care for Dad was a bit of respite for her as well. She was suffering too, because both of them were going through that journey. The team gave them lots of tips to make life easier, and the care they gave Dad was excellent. They ordered him some equipment, including a hospital bed with an air mattress to help stop bedsores, because he was bedridden. That was a big thing. And other equipment, it all moves into the house and it makes life easier. It made things a lot easier for Mum.”
As Brian’s dad became more ill, he was admitted to our IPU for his last days.
“It was a steady decline, and then all of a sudden it moved on very quickly. We couldn’t all get there straight away, but knowing there were very kind, very caring people there with Dad, was one of the nicest things about him being there. He was trying to make it to Christmas, but he died on 21st December. Christmas was the last thing on our minds, but the Hospice looked really festive, especially with the Christmas tree outside, which you saw as you walked in.”
“It was a difficult time. It's an inevitability; it's going to happen, it's just a question of when, not if. Dad was starting to suffer towards the end, so it was a release. There were a few of us there the whole time; we were taking it in turns to be there, by his bedside. We were going off to stretch our legs or get a coffee, but nobody wanted to be away when it happened. There were staff coming in to make sure that Dad was OK, and that we were OK, and asking if there was anything we needed. And then the time came. Afterwards we all went away from his bedside for a little bit, and when we came back they'd combed his hair, and I remember my brother saying he looked like Dad again. They’d laid a rose on his pillow as well, which I thought was a really nice touch. That doesn't have to be done, but they did it. It's the little things that stay with you.”
Brian’s father-in-law, Ken, was also cared for on our IPU, during the pandemic, and not long afterwards Brian’s sister, Janet was admitted.
“I’ve never met a more generous person than Ken,” said Brian. "He would give you the shirt off his back. And Janet, she was my big sister. She was receiving care at home first, and then there's a natural progression. Her decline was a lot quicker than Dad’s, unfortunately. She managed to walk to the ambulance when it came to collect her, but that was the last walk she took. I don't think she left the Hospice after that."
Caption: Brian with his sister Janet, brother Keith and mum June.
“Janet's was no harder, no easier than Dad’s, just different. Her son and daughter, Sean and Sarah, or any of us, could stay in her room with her, overnight. We used to call her Bean, that was her nickname. And on the IPU, up on the board, they put 'Bean’. It was really nice, really personal. She loved it there.”
“It was autumn, and the weather was better than when Dad was in, so we were outside in the garden. Someone had their little dog out there, so we were enjoying seeing him, and there were some gardeners there we were talking to. It was the relationship with the staff that was the most special thing, though. Sean and Sarah were in their 20s, and it's so difficult, isn't it? But the staff had an amazing relationship with both of them. They get to know your names very quickly, and I don't know how they do that, because you're not wearing name tags when you come in! And then you get to know their names, you build a relationship with them. I remember there was a little coffee shop there, and the lady who worked there was absolutely amazing, really lovely. Are any of the staff not lovely? Everyone's got a smile. It's a nice place to be at the worst possible time. We all managed to be there – me, my wife, our children, Sean and Sarah and their partners, and my mum, obviously, for her daughter. Janet wasn't really conscious that day; she hadn't been for a few days. I walked in and said something like, ‘panic over, I'm here now’, and a little smile came over her face, but that's all she was really capable of at that point. When the time came, again there were nurses around, and they did the same thing with the flower. They asked if we were ok and said to take as long as we needed, and they left us with Janet for a bit. That was nice; there was no rush, no formal protocol. It was however we wanted to deal with it; whatever was right for us. It was a terrible time for Mum, and for Sean and Sarah, but it was lovely. It was as good as it could possibly have been. At the worst possible time, when your head isn't in the right place, and your world is changing, and or ending really, to have that absolutely unbelievable support, 24/7 - it's everything.”
“We were offered counselling, but we didn’t take it up. It was on all the leaflets and it came up in conversation, but I think the reason we didn’t take it was because we had conversations with the staff there through the day when we were visiting, and really we were being counselled without even knowing it. There was no need for formal counselling because of the care we received.”
“Dad was the first of our family members who was cared for by Phyllis Tuckwell, and that was when we started to do a bit of fundraising for them.”
"The first thing I did was with my brother, Keith. Dad was still alive at the time; I think he was in the Hospice. The staff were doing some fundraising, cycling a 10-seater bike around Farnham to raise money. They asked me and Keith if we’d like to help pedal it. We did laps of Farnham, up hills and everything else, it was brilliant fun! A lot of the nurses and other staff jumped on and took turns on it, too. And then Keith and I did the Three Peaks Challenge. I've done two London marathons, too. The first one, I got my place through the ballot and raised money for Phyllis Tuckwell. It was something I’d always wanted to do, and it was a way of doing it and raising some money at the same time. It was too good an opportunity to miss. The second time, I got my place through Phyllis Tuckwell. Four of us did that one together: me, my daughter Tarryn, and Janet’s son and daughter, Sean and Sarah. It was part of our bucket list for me and Tarryn, we always wanted to run it together. When we found out we had a place, it was quite emotional actually. There were lots of tears. It was a really special day.”
Caption: Brian and Tarryn at the London Marathon.
Brian works for British Gas and has fundraised for us at work, too.
“We had a vote at work, for who would be our nominated charity of the year, that we would fundraise for. I had a team of 22 at the time, and 16 of the 22 either had a family member or a family friend who had been cared for by Phyllis Tuckwell - so the vote went to them! Then not long after that, I received a phone call from Barry.”
Barry is our head of retail, and oversees our 18 shops, including our Retail Centre in Farnborough, Donation Centre in Farnham, and Furniture Stores in Farnham and Guildford. We also sell many items online and through our pop-up shops at events. Our Retail team raises an incredible £3.2 million for us every year, and we are very grateful to our wonderful supporters who donate their quality, preloved items for us to sell, and all those who come to our shops, Retail Centre, kilo sales, craft sales and other events to buy from us and help fund our care.
“Barry asked if I might be able to help him. The boiler in Phyllis Tuckwell's Godalming shop had broken, and they needed a new one. Sarah, who manages Phyllis Tuckwell's corporate supporters, mentioned to Barry that I work for British Gas, and he asked if I might be able to help replace the boiler. Within a week I had managed to source a boiler from one of our partners, and I supplied the labour for free, and we went to Godalming and installed the boiler.”
Brian and his family also take part in and attend many of our other fundraising events. Brian comes along to our Motor Show, Sarah has taken part in our Santa Fun Run, and her husband Joe has organised annual golf days for us, raising thousands of pounds over many years.
Caption: Sarah and family at our Santa Fun Run.
“We’ve raised about £45,000 for Phyllis Tuckwell now. I can't think of a time when we haven't had an association of some sort with them. It's a very special thing they do, and it's not an easy thing to do. They make a difference for everybody.”
Brian and his family have attended our Light up a Life service every year since Peter died.
Caption: Brian and family at the Light up a Light service.
“Dad died just before Christmas, and the following year we became aware of the Light up a Life service,” said Brian. “My kids would have been quite small at the time. They loved it; we all did. Each year, we looked forward to going. It was outside, and it was Christmas, and there were carols, and it was just a lovely way to remember someone. The first thing that struck me was the number of people there, and all of them had a loved one who was cared for by Phyllis Tuckwell. There were more people coming out of the Hospice too, being wheeled out in wheelchairs, with blankets to keep them warm, and you could see people in the windows as well, looking out over the Christmas tree and listening to the carols. It must have been lovely, to hear that coming in. It's a difficult time and people are just making the best of it, aren't they? While I was there, I met two people from work, who I had no idea had any connection with Phyllis Tuckwell. I also met the surgeon who had operated on my ankle when I broke it; Phyllis Tuckwell had looked after his dad. And I met my old boss, as well. You don’t realise how far-reaching Phyllis Tuckwell’s care is. And so we started going each year. We enjoyed it; it was something nice to look forward to. You're celebrating their life, aren't you, that’s exactly what you're doing. Each year, we all come from wherever we’ve been that day, and we meet up under the Christmas tree. We started off celebrating Dad’s life, so that would have been me, my brother and sister, our partners, and all of our children. Then my father-in-law was at the Hospice, so after that my wife’s sister and brothers joined us, with their partners and children, so there was a bigger group of us. Then as our children have grown older, their partners now come along. So, we have a quite a large space there! Now it’s at Guildford Cathedral, it’s different, but still very special. It’s nice to look for their names being projected up, that’s quite special. This year it’s already in the diary and, as always, we’ll be there."
